Love is all that matters
by Chocolatema19
Summary: What were Sam and Addison thinking in that final scene of the finale? what goes on in their heads? This is a moment to moment thought process of both Sam and Addison during that scene, and this explores further into what actually happened afterwords!


**Sam**

Sitting on my couch, watching TV, pretending to be calm and minding my own business. There wasn't much that could grab my interest in this moment, and after today's events, who would blame me for my inability to focus on a single thing. I'm really daydreaming, staring at the TV and thinking about Dell. It is so sad; I am missing him already. I know I've had issues with him in the past, when it came to my ex-wife and his fondness for her, but at the end of the day, when it came down to the absolute truth, he was a good guy, and he was there for me. He did a lot when it came to Maya. He was understanding and present by my daughter's side when Naomi and I were ripping each other to shreds and losing sight of what was truly important. He also did a lot for the practice, though when he was there I liked to question it.

I'm sitting here and I'm also thinking about how I wished things weren't so awkward between Addison and me. The way she looked earlier, when I asked her to stand with me, I could tell she wanted to do more, to be more, but because of the awkwardness, she maintained a distance and I could feel her discomfort. Through it all, just being there with her made me feel better, and although I too wished we could do more, and be for each other, in that moment, I understood why we couldn't. My mind is wandering and my heart is torn, broken actually but what could I do? The answer was nothing, and being the gentleman I am, I had to respect that, at least now, after everything I would have to try…

There's a noise on my patio. I look up and I see her silently standing there. It's Addison. She pulls at the door, opening it. I don't mind because it's her, then again it's HER, the woman I love but can't be with. Even in moments when we are alone, we are never alone. Her past and my past always shadow us and stand guard, waiting for us to make a mistake. Waiting for us to acknowledge our feelings so they can pounce and plant their doubt. When I can disregard them, and I can a lot better than her, all I can think of is how soft her skin is to the touch, and how good she taste every time I kiss her.

She just stands there looking at me. I can tell she's a little nervous. Then she speaks: "Do I make you happy?" She asks me with a look that tells me she is sure. Sure like she's never been in her life. Sure about what it is she truly wants. It's monumental. For if you knew Addison Forbes Montgomery you would know that she rarely puts her own happiness first. I want to say something moving and heartfelt. I want to say something monumental too, to mark this moment. But I know all she needs is a yes or no answer so I give her mine, "Yes…" I say. I want to look away, to control the emotions that are rising within me igniting every nerve ending in their paths but I can't. I can't take my eyes off of her, for if this is a dream, I want it to go on forever. Before I could say or think anything else she speaks again, "yea… you make me happy too…"

I do not say anything and my eyes never leave hers. I just watch her as she takes off her dress. She lifts it over her head, exposing the soft skin I always think about. She is wearing nothing but a black lace thong; one that hugs her hips and covers the one place, the only place she is now hiding from me. My eyes immediately go to where they are not supposed to, but out of respect I snap them back up and truly LOOK at her. I take my time tracing her body with my eyes, trying to memorize every freckle and mole along the way, every dip and curve, every slender, and toned muscle. I can't take my eyes off of her. But I look back at her face. This MUST be a dream; the woman I love and have been fighting for is standing right in front of me, naked, asking me to love her.  
My eyes never leave hers as she straddles me, staring me in the eyes. A part of me doesn't want to hesitate; I want to show her how completely I love her before she changes her mind again and allows the past to haunt her and stop her from going after her happiness. But I am a gentleman and that stops me for a second. The man I am and the man I know she wants and needs me to be wants her take her time, move at her own speed, carve her own path. I sit still, my emotions are raging, insisting to be shown and let out but I let her guide me on her journey...every step of the way I let her hold my hand and show me. And every step of the way I say a silent prayer and hope she does not change her mind.

She's kissing me, Oh GOD how good it feels to have her lips on mine. She leaves her taste on my tongue and wraps her arms around my neck deepening the kiss. I have always been able to read Addison, through every kiss and every hug I could read her. When I forced her to kiss me once, I knew she loved kissing me but felt it wasn't right. I knew that, yet my want and need to be kissing her, to be feeling her in my arms was much more powerful than the gentleman in my head who knew right from wrong. I can't get enough of this woman. I don't want to get enough of this woman. For lifetimes to come and generations to come, I want her.

But this kiss… this kiss is different. It is passionate and soft. There is no hesitation and no sign of pulling back. Finally, Addison was giving in to what "we" both want, what "we" both crave, what "we" both need. I am not going to force her to do anything, no matter how much I want it. This is Addison's decision and I am going to let her go as slow and in whatever direction she wants. If I have learned anything about her, it is that she will take her time to get there, but once she is there, she will give herself completely. She will not hold back and she will expect the same in return. But whatever her direction, I am ready…

**Addison**

Standing on the beach I lose myself in thought. I think about Dell and how short his life was. How brutal and unforgiving it can be. How much loss we can endure, and how much can be taken away from us, at anytime no matter how old we are and no matter how much pain we have gone through. Dell was twenty-five, with a lifetime ahead of him; I can't believe he's gone. I think about Pete and what I did. It was the right thing to do; to let him go, go find love and peace wherever and with whomever he wants. He was never mine to begin with. He was Violet's. He is and will always be Violet's. I was never his either, never truly anyways. To think Lucas was enough to make things work between us was a dream; one I wanted to believe. One I tried to believe but couldn't. I knew Pete couldn't fully love me and I wanted more. I deserved more, and so did he. His heart and soul belong to Violet, just like mine belongs to some one else. If anything, I regret letting the charade go on for so long, because in Dell's short life and brutal death he managed to teach me a lesson... he taught me that life is too short and on my death bed, I will never regret having loved fiercely and having been loved in return.

Looking over at Sam's house I know he is the only person I want to see. He is the only one who can hold me and make me feel anything in this numbing moment. I take a minute to think about my conversation with Sheldon. He is right. He is always right. I _am_ scared, and of so many things, but after today, I can't think of anything other than what makes me happy. Sam. Sam is the one who makes me happy. It's so monumental...to utter this truth to myself. I love so many things in my life: I love surgery and saving lives. I love being the one who gives hope to so many people, when there is barely any to give. I love babies and the idea of maybe having one someday, just the thought warms my heart and makes me feel complete; but Sam, Sam makes me happy, truly and deeply happy. He makes me feel whole and there's nothing that compares to that. To know that I am loved, despite my past and my mistakes, to be accepted for the flawed person I am...nothing compares to that. Walking over to his patio, all my nerves are on fire. I can't wait another day, another hour, another minute, or another second... I need to take control of my life and my happiness, and this time around, I'm not looking back.

When I reach Sam's patio door I stand there watching him, watch his TV aimlessly. He looks so lost in thought; he can't even tell I am standing a few feet away. I pull back the patio door and his attention is suddenly on me. I'm a little uneasy but somehow the minute Sam looks at me all the nervousness leaves my body and a sense comfort sets in, making it easy for me to speak, "Do I make you happy?" I already know his answer, but I need him to say it. I need him to look at me, to see me and say the words that we have been so busy bypassing for months. Just because we couldn't be together, it didn't stop the need for one another. It didn't stop the wanting that we both felt and before I moved an inch further, I wanted to hear him tell me the truth. He looks at me and I can see the hurt in his eyes. I can see that he was thinking about the same person I was thinking about mere moments ago. I can see the pain Dell's death has left in its wake, but I also see the resilience...He answers, "Yes..." He says it slow and with absolute conviction. He almost exhales it, like he is exhaling a burden he has carried for centuries. He says it like he has been waiting a lifetime to be asked that question, and says nothing more. I didn't need him to say anything more, for that mere yes answers all the questions I have. I am ready to be happy. I am ready to go all in and be finally happy. Happiness has been right in front me all this time, begging me to embrace it, and now I will.

I pushed my happiness away because I wanted to make the people I love happy. I wanted to make everyone happy, but in the process I left out the man I love and myself. With a smile radiating from within me I respond, "Yea… you make me happy too…" Sam's answer was all I needed to hear and I lift my dress over my head, drop it on the floor and silently walk over to him. I straddle him and not once taking my eyes off his. For an instant I just watch him; his breathing quickens as I sit there. I wrap my hands around his neck and kiss him. He responds and wraps his arms around my back, pulling me closer into the kiss that holds so much desire and love.

As we kiss passionately, I can feel myself getting wet. He can tell I am ready just like I can tell the same about him. I know from our history, he is thinking I am going to pull back, change my mind and run away. However, this time I am going nowhere. Before I move any further, I pull back from the kiss and allow Sam to look at me once again; I want him to see all of me. Not just my body but deep into my soul. I let my hands roam down his chest and dip my fingers below his shirt. Without permission, I lift it up over his head and expose his perfectly muscular body. I run my hands over his chest and arms, they are perfect. I want him to hold me in a tight embrace, I want him to hold me and never let go. It is our time.

Sam is being a gentleman, but I wanted him to ravish me. I wanted him to show his desire without holding back. But I know Sam too well; he wants me to make the first move. He wants me to be in control. He wants me to make the choice and be absolutely sure. I lean forward letting my breasts rub up against his chest and I let my lips fall on his neck. Sam moans, but I know it was my touch more than my kisses that are turning him on. I want to devour him. Sam let his hands hold me tightly as I continue to trail his neck with kisses, slowly turning my kisses into licks; I knew he couldn't fight for much longer. I stay there for a while before I pull back and look at his eyes again. I can tell Sam is lost in me, in this moment, in this thing we are setting out to do. He IS lost in the moment we will one day look back on and call the beginning of Happiness. I reach for Sam's arm, grab it and place his hand on one of my breasts giving him the permission he seeks and the answer he is waiting for. Silently I tell him, I am sure. I am not going anywhere. Silently I give us permission to be happy, to finally be happy. His hand is warm, and I squirm a little when he gently closes it around me and begins to touch me. "Mmmmm" Oh God, I just moaned out loud and we have barely started. I want Sam to hear me; I want him to make me scream out his name and him mine when we make love. This is it; I want to make love to Sam. It's not sex and it certainly isn't getting by. I want it to be an extension of how we feel about one another and this time, there isn't anything stopping either one of us…

**Sam**

Addison is moving very slowly and I love every minute of it. She is taking her time exploring my body, and I am enjoying exploring hers. It feels so new. Everything about this moment feels new. I want to savor it, because I know I have never felt like this before. I didn't want to move too fast out of excitement, but when she took my hand and placed it on one of her breasts, allowing me to touch her ever so gently, it became a little harder to form coherent thoughts. As she cast her head back and moaned I felt my control slipping away. I wanted to ravish her! I can tell as she looked back into my eyes, she too can read me. She can tell that this is more than pleasurable to me, this is not merely physical, and this is what falling in love all over again is like. I never knew this day would come, because I thought it had come and went with Naomi. But this, nothing prepared me for this. This is the perfect beginning to a story we haven't told yet. This is what we would be and what we are now, Sam and Addison.

Addison takes my shirt off and the curiosity is killing me. I want to see what lay beneath her black lacey thong. I move my hand from her breast and slowly rub my fingers along her, and to the strap of her thong. I rest both hands on either side of her hips, waiting for her silent permission. She leans forward, takes my lips in hers, biting, kissing, and egging me to express myself, to join her on her journey of exploration. I let my left pointing finger loop through her thong strap and wait… Is it too fast? I wonder... Quickly my question is answered when Addison slowly lifted her hips allowing me to pull down her thong, just enough to see her perfectly shaven middle. I put my hand on her bare skin; I could feel her shivering ever so slightly under her unbelievably soft skin. I can get lost in her. I can spend an eternity lost in this woman. It takes my breath away. A chill goes through her and her eyes never leave mine, she is holding my gaze, I can read her just like she can read me. She wants more and so do I…

**Addison**

Sam was tugging at my underwear and I know what he wants. I share the same desire and intensity, so I lift myself enough for him to pull my thong down. He's looking at me, and I him. We are locked in each other's presence, a sort of trance. I know he can read me, and he knows I can him, and I am ready. He touches my bare skin and I shudder. I've had sex, of course, but nothing has felt like this because this is not sex. I haven't been touched like this, and this feels so good. Rubbing his hand along my skin, I could tell he wants more, he desires more, his control slipping. I can read Sam and he will not move a muscle forward until he is certain, I am ready. Until I give him permission, he is willing to wait...I feel powerful in this moment.

I stand up, letting my panties hit the floor and I step out of them. Before I can sit back down Sam lifts himself up and pulls his pants down, drops them to the floor and I smile at his readiness. It's cute! I pull his jogging pants and his boxer briefs out of the way. Now we are like Adam and Eve, completely naked. I straddle him again, nothing standing between us. There are no pasts, no doubts and certainly no clothes in the way; just our two warm bodies, desiring the next move with an intense need. Sam watches me as my hand slides down his chest and to grabs his manhood. It's long, hard, thick and pulsing at my touch. For a minute I am scared. Sam is big, bigger than I expect. I know I am experienced, but I am not going to lie to myself and act like I've had this before, I am nervous, but I'm going to will myself to forget the hesitation. So before I go any further I lock my lips with his and guide him into a heated kiss. Slowly, and carefully I lift myself and place Sam's head at my opening. For a minute, I just stay there and let Sam feel my wetness, I let him see that this IS happening, and there is no going back after this.

I slide myself down until Sam is fully inside me… I whimper. He pulls back from my lips and lets out a loud moan, "Ahhhhhh…" we are one. As I slide myself slowly on him I can feel him thrusting back into me and I love it. We continue this way for what seems like hours; I continue to rock up and down, slowly onto him, until the pleasure became too much. I can feel him holding back. I can feel him wanting to let go and simply ravish me for all he's worth. I kiss him breathlessly hoping he could read me once more and know that he has my permission to let go. He grabs my legs and lifts them. He holds my legs up with his muscular arms and trust himself deeper and deeper into me driving me crazy. I open my eyes and watch him as his eyes close from the sheer pleasure. He's feeling all of me, and I can tell that even though I was near my release, Sam could go on this way for much longer. He thrust himself into me with force and passion, hitting my g-spot harder each time, harder and harder until I could no longer stand it. Arching my back and placing my hands on Sam's knees I let myself go, "Oh shit… Sammm... Yesssss!" the sheer intensity of my orgasm takes my breath away. It makes my head spin and my body pulse with pleasure. My entire body shakes and shudders as Sam continues to thrust into me. As I look at him again, I see that he is enjoying the sight of me melting in his arms. My hands find the back of his neck and pull him into a soft breathless kiss. As I try to catch my breath Sam's thrust became slower until he is still inside me, but he isn't moving anymore. I know this is about me; this is about giving me pleasure. This is not about the finish line. We sit there and kiss for what seems like forever. We explore each other's mouths, our tongues dueling. We kiss and kiss until Sam pulled back begging for air. I smile at the sight of him. We can't get enough of one another. It was that simple.

I rub my hand along the side of Sam's face kissing him again. He returns the kiss and swiftly lifts himself, still inside me, never breaking our connection. I wrap my legs around his waste and he carries me up the stairs to his bedroom. He lays me down and he comes with me, still refusing to break our connection, we are still one. I am in Sam's room, again, but this time, this time I am not desperate. This time I want Sam because I love him, and not because I need to numb the pain. This time it's right. Sam smiles at me, and although we haven't talked this entire time I have to ask what he is thinking, "What?" I smile back at him, that's just how comfortable we are together. Sam is still smiling at me, but then he says, "Don't you remember? I told you I wanted to take you up to my bedroom, take off all your clothes… and be Sam and Addison…" I smile at him; of course he would be thinking about that night, right now, "I knew I'd get you here…" he adds. We both laugh, and before I can open my eyes from laughing Sam's pushing into me again catching me off guard…

**Sam**

"I knew I'd get you here…" I say to her and we both laugh. As she closes her eyes, I know I am going to catch her off guard when I rock myself back into her. Addison's moaning loudly in my ear and it's driving me crazy. My sheer power and control are slipping away fast. This is more than a dream come true; this is the way I know my life is supposed to be. This is the woman I am supposed to come home to for the rest of my life, and that's the way I will always feel. I lower myself further down, pushing her legs up as far as I could get them, as I continue to trust harder at a deeper angle I know is driving her insane. I separate her lips to feel her tongue on mine. As we kiss passionately I don't skip a beat but Addison breaks the kiss every so often to moan out her pleasure… I am hitting her g-spot with every thrust. I feel my member sliding in and out of her wetness. I feel her arching her back, meeting my every thrust, seeking more contact. We stay that way for what seems like hours and I gave her everything I have in me. I gave her all my love, all my emotions and all my affection; she deserves all of me and that's what she is getting.

As I rock harder into her I can feel her reach up to wipe my face. I look down and notice we are both sweating. As I thrust a little harder I can feel Addison tightening around me, and the sensation is making me delirious. I try to hold on a little longer but as Addison's body begins to shake, once again beneath me and she moans out in ecstasy I feel the tingling in the back of my legs, a telltale sign of my impending release. Together we moan, and her breathless voice in my ear makes me lose my will; I thrust into her one, two, three more forceful times and explode inside her. I see stars behind my closed eyelids. As I reach my highest highs, I feel her walls still tightening their grip around me. I wish this would go on forever. This amount of pleasure comes from loving someone as much as I love her. I know that to be my truth. I open my eyes slowly, still inside her, and kiss her gently.

Rolling off of her, Addison grabs me back into a very seductive kiss, a kiss so luring and tempting I felt myself starting to harden again. I usually need a few minutes, but the way Addison is kissing me, my body is considering letting go of that tradition. As I lay back I struggle to collect my breath. Addison looks at me, and I look right back at her. Before I can say anything she says, "I Love you…" I am not expecting that from her, I am sure really what it is that she feels towards me. I may know intellectually that she loves me but I have to admit, hearing her say those words melts my heart. I look at her and I could see the tears she'd been fighting with all day, since Dells' death, starting to make an appearance. I respond with the only thing I feel at this moment, "I love you too Addison, I've loved you for so long and I will love you forever!" I know my statement may be a bit much, but I didn't care, I mean every word, and I need her to know that.

Through it all, saving Maya, saving my grandchild, and seeing Dell slip away she held her composure like the Addison I know would. I can tell she's been trying to be strong for everyone, but now it was my turn to be strong for her. As she kisses me again, and lays her head on my chest I know she is crying, and I let her cry in my embrace until she slowly drifts to sleep. This IS how it should always be, together, in each other's arms…

**Addison**

I can't believe I finally found the courage to tell Sam how I feel because I need him to know, "I love you…" is all I got out before the tears I've been holding back since I left the hospital, poured out of me. I don't want to ruin the moment, but Sam makes me feel so safe, and so secure, I feel I can simply be. Not the world-class neonatal surgeon, not the adulterous bitch that cheated on her husband, and not the daughter of parents that have stopped loving each other decades ago. I can simply be Addison. He deserves to know, I love him because in this moment, all I ask for is for his love, unconditional and true. He responds, "I love you too Addison, I've loved you for so long and I will love you forever!" The words melt my heart and as I kiss him a few more times I lay my head on his chest and let the tears continue to fall.

I saved Maya, and Maya's baby, been there for Sam in his difficult time and held Naomi's hand when she felt like she is losing her baby. I spoke to Pete and let him go and watched as Dell, at 25, slip away leaving a daughter behind. As scared as I was in all those moments, I still knew I had the ability to save lives. I'm so used to being able to save everyone, not being able to save Dell, makes me feel almost responsible, in some crazy way, for his death.

I think about Dell and everything that had happened in the hospital as I lay there, wrapped in Sam's arms. I feel myself drifting off to sleep. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, or how all this will work itself out, but I know I want to end every night this way, in his arms, together, loving each other the way we love each other right now. It is really all that matters.


End file.
